...still breathing...

...plus one

solved
regarding my name,
I have decided neither
I know who I am

one

identity crisis
up 3 in the morning
asking myself...who am I?
Kathy or Kathleen?

...processed...

washed
the sharp sound of rain
clears my head, and heart
calm reality
.............................................................
I am done with words for a little while
I need to keep them to me
let them simmer
hold them close

they became too loud
closing my ears
too dark
closing my eyes
too many
closing my throat

I need to breathe
...........................

listening to...'An Ending (ascent)' by Brian Eno

..and...

how is it that,
that which helps the most
is the hardest to do

..............................

look back
walking side by side
we braved quick sidelong glances
and opened the doors

the process continues...

[bear with me, as I need to work this out...with words]

shell
I am paralyzed
with a crushing emptiness
yet I walk and talk

.................................
life has it's own agenda sometimes
you think you are taking the right steps
going in the right direction
and the road suddenly changes
your landmarks are gone
your legs, unsteady
even the air you breathe seems unfamiliar
leaving a dull taste in your mouth

somewhere along the way
you have lost yourself
...................................
maybe this new road will take me farther
and I will go to edge of the road
look back at where I have been
the air clear, colours sharp
then I will clearly see
that all roads lead
to where I am

right now

a process...

subtraction
is it possible
to feel that someone has died
alive, but not near?

changed...

talk
at a loss for words
and what comes out is all wrong
my heart in my throat

something different...

I have had so much running through my head
a constant stream of images through my eyes
a surge of thoughts, a sense of place
welling up from the depths
I have not been able
to find the words

the sky yesterday evening
so deep and rich
busy with colour, movement
I did not know where to look
...a deep blue cloud shadow
shoots up from the horizon...
...a solitary dark cloud
grumbles with rain...
...red-orange sun
rolls into tomorrow...
..with each step I leave the earth
leaving footprints on the sky...

am I making any sense?
does it matter?

today...
the wider I open my door
the more people step through
smiling, hesitant, questioning, wondering
who do they see? what do they hear?
what do they want?

my friend, maybe the answer
is to take that long walk
...off my own pier
my god what a glorious splash!

...with each word spoken, I am lighter—
than my smile when I think of...

the possibilities

gathered...

one from Sunday...

surface
sunday afternoon
quiet light, sound of water
no deep thoughts at all

today...

afternoon
green dappled sunlight
fills the breadth of your smile
woven with a laugh

always there...

brim
I fill the deep night
and it pours into my heart
the stars dance for me

welcome
I smile to the stars
the night like arms around me
warm breath on my skin

..........................................

I can never stay lost for long
my compass always leads me
over the mountain
around the bend
down that path...
to my horizon
because we each
have our own

I knew that...

useless
today, knowingly
I held regret in my hand
and see?...life goes on

....................................

yes, it is time to move
and change with the light
too much energy was used
to find that I was only
standing still

as I disappear...

flit
paying me no heed
the evening moves around me
on silent bat wings

before sleep...

nightlight
your smile blinds me
even as I walk away
sparks swirl in my path

found
look outside your world
find yourself in opened eyes
touch the infinite

deliverance
what I keep inside
is released as stars appear
slow sweet ecstasy

............................

it is late...again
I go where the words take me
and enjoy the ride

a saturday morning

start
opening my eyes
I glimpse what the day could be
and rush to meet it

hold
I feel I can't breathe
life can take my breath away
full of surprises

a thought

void
I have to wonder
will you feel something missing
as I walk away

Monday afternoon

lucid
to be transparent
slowly disappear at will
water as my skin
all thoughts, reflections
skipping across the surface
my body endless

peace

drench
I walk with thunder
while above, lightening dances
smell of creosote

....................................................
I walked in the rain this evening
you could see the blue grey curtains
traveling from the mountains
down across the valley
I closed my eyes and felt the cold rain on my skin
the smells from the desert rain
swirled around me
complex and deep
layers, memories, dreams, impressions
the rain slowed then stopped
the air stilled, softly expectant
and while I listened
it whispered up behind me
I smiled, as it washed over me
such peace found
leaving me to remember
why I am here

night as company

aware
here I am again
in that place, an endless night
stretching before me

phases
the moon grows to full
it swells and fills my body
my head is spinning

.............................................
boundaries are thin at night
they start to fade in the twilight
haunting the corners of my sight

as the night deepens and opens
they disappear completely
for an endless breath
a path in a dream

I breathe
I follow
I fade

passing thought

chains
touching the comforts
she moves slowly through the house
fingers brush her life
.....................
this is not me
rather what I fear
being tied down to things
surrounding yourself with the past
afraid to move forward
blind to the present

pull up the anchors
let your sails fill
and sleep tonight
beyond the horizon